what-if my foot

Music: Crack the Shutters by Snow Patrol

It started with a random conversation with an old friend—a suggestion that eventually led to counseling that eventually led to more conversation. I ended up going back to all the decisions I did (or did not) make in the past and wondered what could have happened if I had done otherwise.

1. What if I had transferred from my course to one that specializes in math and science, like I had originally planned? Would I be in a different industry then? Would I be happier, or more miserable?
2. What if I had chosen to stay in marketing rather than go back to publishing? Would I have improved my interpersonal skills? Or would I be sicker, thinner, and more burned out than before?
3. What if I had agreed to follow my then-boyfriend to Dubai, like he had suggested a few months after he left? Would we have lived happily ever after, even when I don’t believe in happy endings?
4. What if I had chosen his cousin instead—my first big infatuation? Would it be any different? Would he be like my ex, unfaithful when I’m not looking? Or would it have worked out better between the two of us than it ever did with me and my then-boyfriend?
5. What if I had flown to NC instead and married the one guy whom I almost fell in love with, but not quite? Would we be happy? Would I be happy, leaving my family and friends for a guy who made me feel great about myself?
6. What if I had left for Australia and built my life there? Would life be easier for me and my family, or would I feel too homesick to function properly?
7. What if I had decided not to pursue theater, to just focus on my job and not entertain the idea of leading a group of rowdy young people into productions designed to minister and touch lives? Would I have been content with my life?

One of my barkada said that there’s a science theory (wait, that’s not what he called it, but I forgot what it is exactly) that says that for every decision you didn’t make, there is an alternate universe where another you would make that decision. So if I choose to stick with editing books in this universe, the other me in the alternate one will most definitely be a rocket scientist.

Oh, that is so cool.

It’s too bad I don’t believe in alternate universes, but wouldn’t that be grand? In another universe, I’ll end up with that PR guy from a faraway place. In another universe I’ll be the geek that I was in high school, solving complicated mathematical equations and discovering new species of…uh, ants? (I have no idea where that came from.) In another universe I’ll be a most sought-after host, leading events and parties by big personalities left and right. In another universe, perhaps I won’t be the cynical, jaded, broken girl that I am now.

Meh.

I like who I turned out. Cynical, jaded, sarcastic and broken—this is me. I’ve chosen to accept who I was, who I am now, and who I will never be. What-ifs and alternate universes be damned. This is me. This is how God designed me to be. The what-ifs can stay what-ifs, and I’m perfectly happy with it. Again, as one of my favorite songs say:

I’m not sure yet about life, about love, but in time, I’m sure it will all be fine.

I’m not sure about a lot of things, but I am certain of one thing: the Lord loves me, baggage, scars and all, and because of that, I’ll choose to be happy, to be content, to not dwell in what-ifs that will only make me miserable.

Let what-ifs stay what-ifs forever. I wouldn’t have it any other way.