All men are made of water, do you know this? When you pierce them, the water leaks out and they die.
- A Game of Thrones, George R.R. Martin

Friday, November 26, 2010

christmas eve (a not-really-a-christmas poem)

Music: Natutulog Ba Ang Diyos by Gary Valenciano

While browsing over my old notebook, I found a poem I've written at the back of a baptismal programme two years ago. It was probably one of the last poems I've ever written, and now that I've reread it, I realize that I kind of like what I wrote, despite the fact that it's pretty...uh...pathetic.

It was originally untitled, but I thought of a more or less appropriate title for it now. Revised it a bit, but the general idea is the same.

christmas eve

you put down the phone and mentally pat yourself on the back
for not breaking down
and you close your eyes tight and try not to cry

(still you see his face, oh so vividly)

in your mind you see him boarding that wretched silver bird that will
take him away from you
forever (forever is such a long time)
to a place with no rain nor snow
and the only storms are those made of sand
and you see him plain as day
looking down the black ocean filled with regrets and bitterness
of spending so much time with each other

(still, it is never enough)

and minute after minute he flies farther away
and second after second he slowly forgets your voice that
calmed him many a sleepless nights
and he sees the horizon
and dreams of men and women
in long, flowing robes

and you let the first tear fall
the minute he steps on foreign soil

(still, you know he is not coming back)



Wednesday, November 24, 2010

barkada emo moments part iv - joyce

Music: Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap

And we're back to our regular scheduled programming.

Three down, two to go. Plus a three-liner from Ayen. My turn now. I don't think I need much explanation for this, since they came from me anyway.

Gia's reply to Gel's e-mail will be the finale. Wait, scratch that. Ayen's piece will cap off this barkada emo session.

In the meantime, here we go.

Ako, I don't believe in happy endings, kasi endings are always sad. I know the saying "every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end," but that just makes it worse. I mean, granted, beginnings can be something to look forward to. Beginnings are scary, but can be worth it. But endings...they just make me sad. There's nothing happy about separation, whether by death, or a third party, or physical migration, or just the fading of love/intimacy/friendship.

I'd rather live the story than anticipate the end. I'd rather be happy while living my story, than wait for the inevitable "happy" ending that will never come.

I used to believe in happy endings, when I was still "idealistic," if that's even the correct word for it. But yes, I'm jaded, calloused, broken now. I have so many ragged edges and I don't know how in the world I'll be able to smooth them out again. But I think it's better this way--that I'm realistic, logical, level-headed.

Sorry rin, pero it's a defense mechanism. It's human nature to want to preserve yourself. I'm being human. And don't tell me I'm being unfair. I've given so much before, and it almost destroyed me.

I'm not saying I don't want to love anymore. Hell, I miss being in a relationship. I just want to make sure I do things correctly this time. I get sad, sometimes I get impatient, I get restless. But I'm not giving up, not yet. I may not believe in happy endings, but I sure as hell believe in stories lived happily.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

bibliophiles, unite! (lit out loud: a literary festival)


Music: Mayroong Nagmamahal by Ogie Cayabyab

I'm going to take a quick break from all the EMO-ness that is my barkada to talk about something I love: books.

More specifically, panel discussions that have something to do with books.

I was fortunate enough to attend the second day of National Book Development Board's Lit Out Loud, the Manila International Literary Festival. What's exciting about the festival is that the organizers "gathered eminent authors and literary agents from around the world as the best writers in the country to talk about books, reading, the writing craft and the business of publishing (Pasion-Flores)."

The first breakout session I attended was about Genre Fiction, and panelists Dean Alfar, Karl de Mesa and Yvette Tan talked about speculative fiction, fantasy, and even horror. Which got me really excited, because I'm a horror chic, I love dystopian novels, and I've been trying to expand my reading list to accommodate titles from the fantasy and spec fic genre (George R.R. Martin, Gregory Maguire, etc.). That, and I'm currently trying to figure out a way to write down a story concept that's been brewing in my head for quite a while now, a dystopian-ish alternate universe which may or may not contain aliens (I haven't quite decided yet). Anywho, the session really encouraged me to continue with what I'm planning to write, especially now I'm reassured that there is an audience for that kind of story.

Then the panelists pointed out that tagalog romance novels sell way more than literary novels, but then, sales does not always automatically translate to success. It all a matter of perspective, they say.

I'm trying not to be discouraged.

The second session I attended was about online writing. Although I didn't enjoy it as much as the Genre Fiction session, I did get to listen to Marne Kilates and Luis Katigbak talk something they're passionate about. Carljoe Javier was also part of the panel, but I haven't really heard about him, not until then. Turns out he's rather popular in the online blogging scene.

*cough*

I suck, I know.

The Graphic Novel session was fun, mostly because Elber Or admitted to having ADHD. That, and Carlo Vergara, of the Zsa Zsa Zaturnnah fame, was an excellent moderator. Throw Marvel inker Gerry Alanguilan into the mix, and BAM! Definitely a fun(ny) session.

But I think I enjoyed the last session the most. It's a "How to Make Book Trailers" session, and I thought it will be all technical (mostly it is, since we were taught how to use the Keynote and Garageband programs, both of which I don't have), but Christopher Cheng read two of his storybooks to us (One Child and the yet-to-be-released-come-2011 Sounds Spooky), and the children's books enthusiast in me just wanted to squeal in delight. I definitely need to get a hold of those books.



I swear, I will write something worth publishing soon. That is, uh, I hope sooner than later. But. Anyway.

Although I wasn't able to attend the Children's Literature and Young Adult Novel sessions, I'm pretty happy with how the day turned out. I learned a lot of things, got to listen to a bunch of great writers, and picked up a few pointers I can use when I finally decide to stop being lazy and actually write something.

Plus, I was able to finish most of Perfume: The Story of a Murderer, during the breaks in between.

A wonderful day indeed.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

barkada emo moments part iii - gel


Music: Runaway by The Corrs

As I've mentioned in my previous post, Gel is the Ted in our group, according to my friends. Now I've only seen around five random episodes of HIMYM on cable TV, so I can't really vouch for the accuracy of this information. What I can say about Gel is that he is optimistic when others are not, he is calm when others are panicking, and he seldom shows any other emotion, aside from happiness, amusement, or boredom. He is a romantic (bordering to sickeningly cheesy), and lucky is the woman he falls in love with. And in a world where guys our age usually take advantage of members of the opposite sex, Gel remains a gentleman, to the point where he won't hold your hand without asking for permission first.

In some ways he is the perfect boyfriend, except that he's so perfect, it tends to be boring after a while. (Sorry Gel, you know we love you :p)

In our barkada emo session, it was when he replied to my email that things began to take a serious turn (for the worse or for the better, I cannot really tell). It was supposed to be light, funny, insane--useless banter between friends. But no. He just had to get down to business, which prompted Gia to get all serious too.

And viola, the war has begun.


Sorry.

I believe in happy endings. :)

I don't see the point of struggling with living if at the end, I won't be able to say I'm happy. Hmm... Di lang isang moment sa buhay natin ang happy ending (rough trans: Our life doesn't have only one moment for its happy ending). It's a collection of all of our experiences. If marriage is already a happy ending, then wag na lang ako magpakasal (trans: I'd rather not marry). Kasi what comes after that? I like to think that marriage is just one path to having a happy ending.

Being in a relationship might lead you to your happy ending, and then it might not. Not being in a relationship might also lead you to your happy ending, and then again it might not. So what if it doesn't? Then don't let things end for you there. Stand up. And try again. :D

Nabasted na ako so many times (trans: I've been rejected so many times), I don't even want to count. Had my heart broken in so many ways by people I've been in a relationship with. But it doesn't stop me from trying to find my happy ending. So keep on struggling. Life is hard. Life is unfair. If life had a face, I would punch it. I would punch life in the face and say screw you! :P

We make our own happy endings.

I have an answer to this, and Gia has one too. I shall post them in different entries in the near future. In the meantime, I'll let you munchkins reflect on what he just said, and decide whether you agree with him or not.

(And no Gel, I am not earning anything from this blog so I CAN'T pay you royalties!)

barkada emo moments part ii - ivan


Music: Oceans Away by The Fray

Part 2 of our barkada's emo sessions. The next reply came from Ivan, the only guy (more like the only one) in our group in a "real" relationship. I honestly did not know what to expect from him. I mean, I kind of expected Gia to be blunt and be the no-nonsense one, and Gel to be pretty much idealistic (he's like Ted from How I Met Your Mother, or so my friends say), but Ivan can sway either way, since he's a "guy" but "in a relationship."

I actually liked the storytelling part. I mean, I knew about the college girls, but it was interesting to find out about his online girlfriend (mostly because I could relate a bit). So here's Ivan's story, in verbatim again, with just a few corrections on the typos and punctuation marks, because I'm OC that way:

Nabusted ako so many times bago ako natuto manligaw. (trans: I've been rejected so many times before I learned how to properly court a girl.)

In High School, I averaged courting 2 girls per year...
I graduated single - never been kissed - :)
(nagka gf naman ako pero sa chat lang) trans: I had a girlfriend, but only via chat.
OY! ToTOO un ah... we truly loved each other back then... di nga lang kame nagkita :) (trans: It's true! We truly loved each other back then... we just haven't met face-to-face.)

During Ateneo College, may niligawan ako sa Miriam... (trans: During Ateneo college, I courted someone from Miriam)
M.U. na kame nun (trans: We became M.U. [Mutual Understanding or Mag-Un?])
pero disaster din un... (trans: But it ended in disaster)
naikwento ko ata sa inyo un e... (trans: I think I've told you about this already)

During La Salle College...
natuto nako :) (trans: I learned)
niligawan ko ung pinaka maganda nung school (trans: I courted the prettiest girl in school)
nakuha ko cya in 3 weeks (trans: I got her in 3 weeks' time)
(at di nya ako type nung una) trans: And she didn't even like to at first.

Ang moral ay... (trans: Moral of the story is)
Magbasa ka ng Tagalog Romance at Sexy Komiks... (trains: Read Tagalog Romance and Sexy Comics)
Bwahahahaha

Stand up Joyce and move on
kung kinakailangan... (trans: If needed)
Aakayin ka namin patayo - That's What are Friends are for - (theme song playing) (trans: We'll help you stand up)

Madaming lalaki dyan... wag ka lang mapili (trans: There are a lot of guys out there...don't be choosy)
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
A couple of points I want to raise:
1. I graduated college without ever being kissed. Damn proud of it too. (Or maybe I'm just a prude.)
2. I did not have an online boyfriend (at least not officially), but I almost fell in love with a guy literally half a globe away. It's a long story, one that I enjoy talking about (usually), because it gives off pleasant memories I don't want to forget. And yes, we are still friends, this guy and I.
3. Dear Ivan's current girlfriend: I have nothing to do with what your boyfriend wrote. Please do not gouge my eyes out when we finally get the chance to meet face-to-face.
4. Ivan, I will NOT read Tagalog romance and sexy comics...are you friggin' insane?!
5. And as I've responded in the email, I can't help but be choosy when it comes to guys...I was brought up that way!

Gel's response is next. That's when it starts to get serious. I'm actually pretty scared right now.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

barkada emo moments part i - gia

Music: Where Are You Going by Dave Matthews Band

It all started with an e-mail I sent my friends this morning. I guess, in hindsight, this insanity is all my fault, so it's up to me to chronicle them, in the hopes that my brain cells will finally shut up and actually let me do some real work.

In defense of myself, I've been feeling pretty low yesterday (as may or may not be evident in my last two posts), and this sentimental bone in my body only functions once or twice in a good year anyway.

So. What started out as a cheesy, out-of-character message from me turned into a mini-debate, two versus two, boys versus girls, with the boys taking the side of pro-happy endings, and the girls taking the opposite. Which is pretty, uh, ironic, if you think about it, except that in our little circle of friends, the boys are the ones who are idealistic, optimistic, and, heaven forbid, romantic. Us girls are usually the jaded, oblivious, or just plain clueless ones. But that's a story for another day.

This is what I sent them:

Emo mode :'(

My (ex)crush is living a cliche fairy tale, and I'm still afraid to open my door to other people.

Damn you ex(boyfriend) for ruining my concept of a happy ending.

:'(
To be fair to my ex(boyfriend), I don't really blame him (not anymore). And I'm happy for my (ex)crush and his fairy tale with his girlfriend. It's just that the emo monster attacked all of a sudden, and there was little I could do to stop it from waging an all-out war with what is left of my brain.

Gia was the first one to respond. I am going to copy/paste her response verbatim (well, maybe not, since I edit things I should not edit in the first place...it's my nature) in this post. And yes, her mini-musing is copyrighted, and may not be reproduced in any form without the written permission of the copyright owner (Hah! You think I won't do it, Gi?!):

joshene.
happy endings are BS.
the fact that you don't believe in it is a blessing not a curse. believing in happy endings is the curse. because that unlucky person would dream of having a perfect life after marriage (we all know...that is impossible) ... and realize too late that relationships aren't like that at all. (by that time.. that person will be caught in a messy relationship)
fairy tales end in weddings because thats how far happy endings will last.
don't fret.
i always believe that everyone and everything has its own time and cycle.
when you are ready to love again, you will feel it. (hopefully asap)
that guy was stupid... and is such a weakling.. he doesn't deserve the distinction of being the reason you stopped believing in having a future with someone special.
maawa ka sakin. i plan to marry after you... pag di ka mag-asawa, lagot magiging matandang dalaga ako. (trans: have pity on me. i plan to marry after you... if you don't get married, i'll end up as an old maid.)
gia
I'll share the responses of my other friends later. I think my brain cells finally decided to cooperate. About mighty time they did so too.

Ciao for now!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

a missing piece's story




Music: Pilgrim's Theme by Bukas Palad

Two posts in one day. I'm not even bored. Just...sad, I guess.

I need to reread this anyway, just to remind myself that I don't have to fit with anyone to be able to roll, because I can always roll by myself.

(I seriously want my own copy of the book. Like, seriously.)

I think readers will appreciate the story more if they've read The Missing Piece first. But still, this is beautiful in its own.

The Missing Piece Meets to Big O
By Shel Silverstein

The missing piece sat alone...
waiting for someone
to come along
and take it somewhere.

Some fit...
but could not roll.

Others could roll
but did not fit.

One didn't know a thing about fitting.

And another didn't know a thing about anything.

One was too delicate.

Pop!

One put it on a pedestal...
and left it there.

Some had too many pieces missing.

Some had too many pieces, period.

It learned to hide from the hungry ones.

More came.
Some looked too closely.

Others rolled right by without noticing.

Hi?

It tried to make itself
more attractive...
it didn't help.

It tried being flashy...
but that just frightened away
the shy ones.

At last, one came along
that fit just right.

(roll...)

But all of a sudden...
the missing piece began to grow!

And grow!

"I didn't know
you were going
to grow."

"I didn't know either,"
said the missing piece.

"I'm lookin' for
my missin' piece,
one that won't
increase..."

Ciao...

Oh...

And then one day...
one came along who looked different.



"What do you want of me?"
asked the missing piece.
"Nothing."
"What do you need from me?"
"Nothing."
"Who are you?"
asked the missing piece.

"I'm the Big O,"
said the Big O.

"I think you are the one
I have been waiting for,"
said the missing piece.
"Maybe I am your missing piece."

"But I am not missing a piece,"
said the Big O.
"There is no place you would fit."

"That is too bad," said the missing piece.
"I was hoping that perhaps
I could roll with you..."

"You cannot roll with me,"
said the Big O,
"but perhaps you can roll by yourself."

"By myself?
A missing piece cannot
roll by itself."

"Have you even tried?"
asked the Big O.

"But I have sharp corners,"
said the missing piece.
"I am not shaped for rolling."

"Corners wear off,"
said the Big O,
"and shapes change.
Anyhow, I must say goodbye.
Perhaps we will meet again..."

And away it rolled.

The missing piece was alone again.

For a long time
it just sat there.

Then...
slowly...
it lifted itself up on one end...

Plop!

Then lift...pull...flop...
and flopped over.

It began to move forward...

And soon its edges began to wear off...

Liftpullflopliftpullflop...

And its shape began to change...

And then it was bumping instead of flopping...

And then it was bouncing instead of bumping...

And then it was rolling instead of bouncing...

And it didn't know where
and it didn't care.

It was rolling!

(roll...)

Story with illustrations here.

---
Sometimes I feel like the missing piece--waiting for someone to come along, someone who will "complete me." (Hello Jerry Maguire, I don't want to take lessons from you.) Except that I don't think I want anyone to "complete" me; I want to be complete by myself. I think I'll be able to do better in a relationship that way. And I'm not talking about just romantic relationships either.

(I've been broken for far too long.)

I've been rolling by myself, rough edges and all, for quite a while now; it's just that sometimes, I pause to rest, only to realize that the rough edges are growing back, the already broken parts breaking up some more. Then I push myself to move again, liftrollflopliftrollflop, and I'm not sure anymore if I'm flopping or bumping or bouncing or rolling.

It is only by God's grace that I can continue flopping/bumping/bouncing/rolling, despite everything. And it is only by His grace that I will eventually be complete--complete enough to roll by myself...beside someone who is complete by himself too.

of closing cycles and shutting doors

Music: Finale from the Wicked OST

I'm not a Paolo Coelho fan. I can't even spell his name without checking the Internet first. I've read The Alchemist way back in college, and I thought it was pretty good. But that was the first and last book from PC that I've read (and will probably ever read). He's a good storyteller, and his fame is something that I could only ever hope to achieve, but, well, I guess he's just really not my cup of tea. His novels, I mean.

Anyway.

Despite that, PC wrote something that I've loved since the first time I read it a few months after college graduation. I was a bright-eyed, idealistic 21-year-old, nursing a broken heart from a recent breakup, and bam! I don't even know where I found it, or if it was shared by a wonderful friend out of concern. Nevertheless, the essay stayed with me, and five years after I first discovered its existence, I still love its message, and the things it made me realize.

So here it is, Closing Cycles, by Paolo Coelho. I hope it inspires you to close a cycle and start a new chapter in your life, just as it has inspired me many years ago.

Emphasis in bold are mine.

Closing Cycles
by Paolo Coelho

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.


Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters.


Whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave the past the moments of life that have finished. Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?


You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.


But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister. Everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.


None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot forever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.


Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to taketheir place.


Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated,your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.


Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the ideal moment. Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person. Nothing is irreplaceable. A habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.


Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

'tis the season to be generous...so gimme some books!

Music: Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap

Because I wasn't able to do this for my birthday, I'm doing this for Christmas instead. Although I am not under the delusion that people are going to give me gifts for the holidays, I'll still make this list in the event that people might actually remember me come Christmas day.

Here's a list of books I'd love to receive for Christmas. They are not in any particular order (I think):

1. A Series of Unfortunate Events Books 7-12 by Lemony Snicket (hardbound edition, if possible, since they're more of a collector's items now, because I've already read the e-books)
2. The Missing Piece Meets the Big O by Shel Silverstein (actually, any Shel Silverstein book will be much appreciated, but this title is my favorite)
3. 100 Cupboards by N.D. Wilson
4. Dearly Devoted Dexter by Jeffrey Lindsay (the entire series would be ideal, but I'd settle for the second book for now) - removed from list (see entry #11 for replacement)
5. A Wind in the Door by Madeleine L'Engle
6. Smoke and Mirrors by Neil Gaiman
7. Mirror, Mirror by Gregory Maguire
8. A Lion Among Men by Gregory Maguire
9. The Curious Case of the Dog in the Night-time by Mark Haddon
10. In Odd We Trust by Dean Koontz (this is a graphic novel, but I'm cheating, because I really want a copy of this)
11. A Wolf at the Door (and other retold fairy tales) by Ellen Datlow and Terri Windling

I've been trying to search for titles by Filipino authors to add to the list, but I think a "disadvantage" of working for the local publishing industry is that I get a sort of VIP access to books that are not off the press yet. I will certainly not mind getting copies of the books I've actually worked on, although they're not really a priority. I do want some new speculative fiction books though. Or horror books. Or crime and mystery, like Smaller and Smaller Circles. Any recommendations?

Aaaaaand I think it's a given that books given after the holidays will still be accepted. Cue in signal bells to all of my friends. Coughs included if less subtlety is permissible.

EDIT: About an hour after I posted this, my best friend sent me this text message:
please remove #4 from the list ... for obvious (bday) reasons :))
And because that will benefit me more than anyone else, I'll be more than happy to oblige. *runs off to scratch #4 from the list and change it with a new one*



Thursday, November 11, 2010

walkers or zombies or whatchamacallit

Music: Background TV noise (I think Breaking the Magician's Code is on)

Instead of working on my proofreading take-home job, or writing for NaNoWriMo (two weeks gone by and I've barely written 2,000 words...bah, I'm quitting as early as now), or taking some well-needed shut-eye, I watched the premiere of The Walking Dead. Hoorah.

The scene where the main character (I didn't get his name) woke up in a hospital reminded me of the opening scene of 28 Days Later (which is a good thing, since I loved that movie...and no, Cillian Murphy is not the only reason why I did...and no, I did not enjoy 28 Weeks Later as much...and no, I don't have high hopes for a third movie, I mean, come on, 28 Months Later? Seriously?), minus the full frontal nude scene. The part where he stepped out of the hospital against the blinding light reminded me of Blindness (another movie I loved, and no [again], Mark Ruffalo is not the only reason why I did). The rest of the pilot episode reminded me of House of the Dead, Silent Hill, and Resident Evil. Which is not a bad thing, because I love playing House of the Dead in the arcade, and although the arcade version of Silent Hill was pretty easy, its Playstation version never fails to scare the living crap out of me. Oh, and High School of the Dead. Except that this show does not have fan service (yet). Not that it matters, because I'm a girl.

The show looks promising enough, well, at least for someone like me who likes horror/thriller/zombie flicks. I especially love the opening scene where M (I'm calling him M for "main" because I'm too lazy to re-watch the whole thing or search his name in the Internet), or his patrol car, rather, slowly appears to view, running down the deserted highway. My favorite scene, though, will have to be the last part, where the tank radio suddenly crackled and a voice suddenly says, "Hey you, dumbass. Hey you in the tank, feeling cozy in there?" I haven't seen the owner of the voice yet, and still I know I will probably love him later on. Can't say the same for Lorie (sp?), M's wife. One episode, and she's already getting on my nerves. Hoorah?

I wonder how many episodes into the season will the explanation for the existence of the "walkers" be revealed. I hope its not something as cliche as a man-made virus (although I don't know how much more creative the writers could get than that). Of course I've only seen the pilot, so I probably should shut up until I've seen the second one, or at least enough for me to give a decent review of the series. Meh. Never stopped me before.

Here's hoping for a brand new series that I can be addicted to (because Leverage won't be back until December, and Dexter season 5 isn't really working that well for me). I just hope The Walking Dead doesn't make me walk out of, well, whatever room I am in when I watch the next episodes.

Right. I should really get some sleep now.

24 hours to live

Music: The Astronaught by Something Corporate

This is the second of my old posts that I’m transferring from my old blog to this new one. I doubt I’ll move everything I posted, but while my brain cells refuse to cooperate by supplying me with chemicals to fight writer’s block, here you go. This one is a review I made for Ikigami, way back March of this year. Notes in [ ] are my post-post ramblings.

-----
No, I have not read past the second chapter of Ikigami: The Ultimate Limit, though I have every intention of doing so in the near future [As of this reposting, I still have not read past the second chapter, and now I’m not so sure if I can read it in the near future anymore. I’ll definitely read it, although I don’t know how long it will take before I finally find time to do so]. I have watched the movie though, spending two long hours waiting for the entire video to finish loading while I read, write, cook and check my e-mail.

I discovered Ikigami by accident. Now that I think about it, it’s all Takashi Tsukamoto’s fault (you’ll remember him as the computer-savvy Shinji Mimura in the film Battle Royale, the only rival of Hiroki Sugimura in my heart from that show) [I re-blogged about him a few days ago. And well, Shogo Kawada lives forever in my heart now as well, but he can never match up to the love I feel for Hiroki and Shinji]. I was looking at his biography in Wikipedia and going over the movies he had been in, and when I randomly clicked on a movie title, I discovered that Ikigami not only casted TakaC (Takashi’s nickname), but Liar Game’s Shota Matsuda as well. Throw in an interesting story concept to the mix, and it was a done deal. I wouldn’t have been able to resist even if I wanted to. Next thing I know, I was searching for the movie via the Internet, and then streaming it from a site that hosted Bloody Monday and Yamato Nadeshiko Shichi Henge as well (which I will write about sooner or later) [I haven’t written about either series, but yeah, who knows?].

Translated as “Death Paper” in English, Ikigami gives a feeling of George Orwell’s 1984, Tom Rob Smith’s Child 44 and the movie Equilibrium (starring Christian Bale), but whose characters ended up with a more depressing fate. The concept is interesting enough, and here I copy/paste the plot synopsis from Wikipedia because I’m too lazy to use my own words:

A place, somewhere, that bears a strong resemblance in history and environment to Japan. Its return to prosperity after defeat in war is due to a certain law, a pillar of the state. This is the Special Law for the Maintenance of National Prosperity. 24 hours before this capsule is to bring about death, an official of the Ministry of Health and Welfare brings a letter announcing impending death, an ikigami. Those who receive this ikigami letter have 24 hours of absolute freedom to do anything and everything they want. Kengo Fujimoto has made his way through university and taken a job with the Ministry. His work now is delivering these ikigami letters.

Shota manages to pull off a decent Kengo Fujimoto, although it was hard for me not to think of him as the genius Shinichi Akiyama from Liar Game. His transition from being a confused Ikigami delivery guy to a person who clearly disagrees with the law but cannot voice out his opinion freely in fear of being accused of committing a thought crime is pretty believable. The performances of other characters was more or less okay, some better than the others. I think I was too smitten by TakaC’s hotness to pay too much attention to his acting, but I think he portrayed Hidekazu Morio’s character pretty well. One that probably stands out is Riko Narumi’s portrayal of the blind Sakura Izuka, whose brother Satoshi was given the Ikigami that allowed her the cornea transplant that she needed to see again.

My biggest problem with the movie is that it barely leaves any hope for the viewer at the end of two hours. Of course there were hints of a rebellion igniting sometime soon, but it wasn’t given much attention, other than the snippets of flashbacks from the second story and the mysterious mention of “until that time comes” by Fujimoto’s mentor.

Then there was the issue of over-cheesiness in some parts, particularly the second part, which I liked the least. TakaC’s story was more or less melodramatic too, but it was saved by his sheer hotness (bah, I’m biased, bite me) and Yuta Kanai’s beautiful rendition of “Signpost.” Still, the thought of TakaC crying himself to pieces while he watches his best friend die on National TV was depressing (and a little disturbing), to say the least. The third part, “Satoshi and Sakura’s story,“ was less subtle in its drama, and probably the best of the three arcs.

Still, Ikigami was, overall, an interesting film that will make the viewer realize quite a number of things. A friend of mine said that reading Ikigami made him value life even more. To quote his own words, “For someone who would rather throw his life away –Ikigami beats the sense of life back into me.” The movie is depressing as hell, so depressing that I had to watch Yamato Nadeshiko Shichi Henge afterwards just to avoid getting nightmares, but the sense of helplessness it delivers comes with the nagging question about how a person should value a life, whether his own or someone else’s.

And now here comes the question one might want to ponder on after watching the movie or reading the manga: If you knew you only had one day to live, how would you spend your last 24 hours on earth? Would you spend it with the people you love? Would you use that time to get back at the people who made your life miserable? Or would you do that thing you love to do the most, knowing that you’ll never be able to do it again?

Ikigami: The Ultimate Limit shows three answers to this question. Hopefully, you can find your own answer too.

Monday, November 8, 2010

could you kill your best friend?


Music: Take Back the City by Snow Patrol

This is the first of the many posts I will be transferring from my old blog that crashed before, but was restored days after I made a new one.

I swear, technology hates me.

This is an entry I wrote for Battle Royale March of this year. I updated it a bit, though.

From the back cover:

Koushun Takami's notorious high-octane thriller is based on an irresistible premise: a class of junior high school students is taken to a deserted island where, as part of a ruthless authoritarian program, they are provided with weapons and forced to kill one another until only one survivor is left standing.

Criticized as violent exploitation when first published in Japan, where it then proceeded to become a runaway bestseller, Battle Royale is Lord of the Flies for the 21st century, a potent allegory of what it means to be young and (barely) alive in a dog-eat-dog world.

From mangafox.com:

In the future, random Jr. High School classes are chosen to compete in a game called Battle Royale. The rules: only one student can survive after 3 days on an island or else they all perish. Weapons are handed out and each student is sent out into the field alone and unprepared for the horror that awaits them. The classmates turn upon themselves in a battle for survival, treaties are made and broken, and former friends become foes as the relentless countdown continues. Amid the betrayals and rising body count, two classmates confess their love for each other and swear to survive this deadly game together.

(A note: Shuya did not confess her love for Noriko during the game, at least not explicitly. To be fair, I'm certain that he did not harbor any feelings for her prior to the game either, and if he had any sort of romantic inclination for anyone in the class, it would be with Yukie Utsumi [refer to quote at the bottom of the page]).

Basically, it's the ancestor of international bestseller The Hunger Games trilogy. Yey. (Speaking of Hunger Games, anyone read the trilogy and thought that Mockingjay disappoints REALLY bad? I did. Heck, I still do.)

Warning: spoiler alert for those who have not seen or read Battle Royale yet. (And if you haven't, then what the heck are you waiting for?)

For some weird reason, I've been obsessed over Battle Royale for close to six months now (more like a year now, actually). I've seen the movie in YouTube a few years back and immediately recognized Chiaki Kuriyama (Go Go Yubari in Kill Bill) in the cast. She played Takako Chigusa, the track sprinter who killed her classmate by stabbing him in the nuts (oh the horrible mental images) after he threatened to rape her (and accidentally wounded her pretty face). Then I found out that she was one of two girls Hiroki Sugimura were looking for, and I fell in love with their characters there and then (I still think the scene where Hiroki found the dying Takako is one of the best and most heart-wrenching scenes in the movie). Of course, it helped that I found the actor playing Hiroki (Sousuke Takaoka) uber hot (in every sense of the word). (My obsession for Sousuke has not ended, not in the least. I searched high and low for the series Rookies [and the movie, afterwards] because of him. He is also the main reason why I spent hours downloading Blue Spring, and streamed Crows Zero.)

And then two years ago, I tried searching for an online copy of the manga version, and lo and behold, found one in mangafox.com. I was hooked; I finished ten volumes in roughly a week's time (I know, I scare myself sometimes). For weeks after that all I could think of was how kick-ass Takako was, and how sweet and tragic her relationship with Hiroki was (yeah yeah, Hiroki didn't like her that way, he liked Kayoko instead, but it is my strong belief that if their pretty asses weren't dragged off to that island, he would have eventually seen the light of day, or at least, Takako would have made sure he did).

And then I accidentally found a copy of the novel during last year's Manila International Book Fair in SMEX. I almost squealed out loud (or I think I did, but I hope no one heard me) when I saw the book. Not even thinking twice, I purchased the copy (along with four other books, making me bankrupt for the rest of September), excited to finally read the original version and maybe understand better my weird fascination for the gore and kinky that is Battle Royale.

Oh, was I hooked.

If someone would ask me what my favorite version is, I'd answer "the novel" in two seconds flat. Oh, the movie was okay (lots of eye candy, i.e., Chiaki Kuriyama, Takashi Tsukamoto [girlnumber13, a co-BR fangirl, claimed ownership over him already, so...]) but because of time constraints, it wasn't able to really flesh out the students' characteristics and personalities (maybe except for Shuya, Noriko and Shogo, and I don't even like the first two, okay, so maybe I like Shuya a tinsy, winsy bit, but Noriko just about destroyed him for me [Shuya is growing on me recently, but it's mostly Jenipunch's, another co-BR fangirl, fault). The manga was better, and the drawings helped a lot in depicting the emotions and thoughts going on in each student's head. But then there's that annoying volume focusing on Hiroki and Kayoko, and I wanted to throw the laptop against the wall when I read it (bite me, I hate that pair). That, and I've proven that Noriko is the most annoying female character a seinen manga could ever produce (not that I read a lot of those anyway).

So it's only understandable why I love the novel the most. The narrative style usually works best for me anyway. And Koushun Takami (yes, he's the author) succeeded in writing the story in a not-so-melodramatic way, well, compared to the manga. He was able to describe most of the characters (save for two or three who died too early in the game) just enough for the readers to get an idea who they were prior to the game, and maybe let them understand a little bit their reasons for playing or not playing.

Now I want to say a little something about my top 3 favorite characters in Battle Royale, which are as follows:

1. Takako Chigusa. Oh, I already knew she kicked ass ever since I saw her chase Kazushi Niida with her weapon. Then she totally did a whacked job out of him in the manga. The novel version was something else though (words fail me right now, so you will just have to read the chapter for yourself). But more than her fight scene with Kazushi (and her death scene with Hiroki), I think I loved her pre-death interaction with Mitsuko Souma the most. I could retell the whole scene, but I think quoting from the book would be better.

"Say," Mitsuko said. "You never went out of your way to impress me."

Still unable to tell what Mitsuko's intentions were, Takako stared at her. (The two most beautiful girls in Shiroiwa Junior High were staring at each other. Nice jewelry and a boy's corpse. Oh, you're so pretty.) <--- This will always be one of my most favorite lines in the novel's entirety

*jumps a few paragraphs about Takako's flashback about her crush in school (no, not Hiroki)*

"I was always a little envious," Mitsuko continued. "You were so pretty, and you were a better girl than me."

Takako listened quietly. She immediately realized there was something wrong. Why was Mitsuko referring to her in the past tense?

"But," Mitsuko's eyes twinkled playfully. Now she was back to the present tense. "I really like girls like you. Maybe I'm a bit of a dyke. So it's..."

*jumps a few more paragraphs about Mitsuko shooting and Takako running a respectable sprint for the track star that she was, despite the injuries in her right leg*

Mitsuko put down the gun and said, "It's too bad."

This has got to be one of my favorite parts in the entire novel. Two pretty girls pitted against each other in a game of survival, with only one of them emerging victorious. Unfortunately, Mitsuko, with her automatic pistol, won the round. Still, I admire Takako for not giving up until the last second, even when Mitsuko showered her back with bullets. She endured for another half an hour, just to be able to see Hiroki one last time.

And now I am going to quote my all-time favorite part in the novel (and the manga, and the movie too):

She felt like she could say one more thing.

"You have to survive, Hiroki."

Dear God, can I have one more word?

Takako looked into Hiroki's eyes and grinned.

"You've become quite a stud."

Hiroki said, "And you're the most stylin' girl in the world."

Takako smiled faintly. She wanted to thank him, but she was out of breath. She just stared at Hiroki's eyes. She was grateful. At least she wasn't going to die alone. The last person to stay with her ended up being Hiroki. And she was grateful. She really was.

Kahoru, thanks, I heard you.

Takako Chigusa remained in this position as she died approximately two minutes later. Her eyes remained open. Hiroki Sugimura held her limp, lifeless body and wept.

Even after all this time, this scene, whether it be from the novel, the manga or the movie, never fails to tug otherwise unused strings in my heart.

2. Hiroki Sugimura. Yes, yes. He doesn't love Takako that way. Who cares? I still love him, and I most likely will for years to come. And not just because of Takako, but she sure as hell plays a big enough role in it. It's his shy, boyish nature that made him endearing, in a way. He is so open about his concern about his other classmates, especially about the two girls he cared for deeply. And yes, he cared for them equally. It says so in the novel. So die haters, die.

When I think about it, Hiroki's fate is one of the worst in the manga. He spent his entire time on the island looking for Takako and Kayoko Kotohiki, and he found them both, but he couldn't save either girl. Takako died in his arms because he couldn't get to her fast enough to save her from Mitsuko, and Kayoko, well, depending on which version you saw/read, she either shot him because she thought he was going to kill her, or he watched as Kiriyama shot her in the head while he lay there, helpless to protect her. Two girls he loved equally, and he couldn't protect either. It was probably one of the worst tragedies in the entire story, and I'm not even romantic by nature.

I just have to show one of my favorite panels in the entire manga. Like Takako's death scene, this panel never fails to bring tears to my eyes.



Okay, so Manga Hiroki is not really visually appealing. But he was more endearing there, so it's all good. I will just continue to pretend that Manga Hiroki does not exist physically, and it's the Movie Hiroki that matters the most.

3. Shinji Mimura. The Third Man. A Harry Sue of epic proportions, and probably overrated, but I still love him with all my little heart can take. The smartass hacker, basketball ace and playboy who almost beat the game, had not one kickass Kazuo Kiriyama gunned him to death first. He had a plan to escape the island, and unlike his other classmates who either tried to kill each other off or hide in the bushes in fear of death, he actually did something he thought was worthwhile with his remaining hours.

His humor, wit and charm, not to mention street-smarts, won me over the first time I read the manga. I didn't notice him too much the first time I watched the movie (Takashi Tsukamoto played the part) because I was so busy ogling Sousuke Takaoka, but damn, he is one hot Japanese actor. Ehem, anyway.

Shinji's death was painful for me, so painful that even when the novel closed the Second Part with his demise, I still couldn't take my eyes off the page, and kept reading and rereading the last line over and over again in the vain hope that it will change:

And so the boy known as The Third Man, Shinji Mimura, was now dead.

It was stated so matter-of-factly, as if it was as normal as the changing weather or my sister wearing laundry clips in her hair (inside joke, sorry, couldn't resist). "Shinji Mimura was now dead." And it took me a whole day before I could go back to reading the novel again, because his death just about ended everything for me. Thank God for Hiroki and Shogo Kawada.

Then there were the hints of a one-sided love in the making. It was never mentioned explicitly in the manga or novel, but girlnumber 13 and I firmly believe that Shinji had a crush, or had at least noticed, Takako Chigusa before the game even started. He had considered her pretty, even calling her the prettiest girl in the class, according to his tastes, when most of their other classmates consider Mitsuko as the prettiest. He even went out of his way to call her a Grade-A babe in the manga, just to tease Hiroki about his silly crush on Kayoko. But then again, this is the fangirl in me talking. Mind it not, because I can talk about it for hours.

Other characters I liked were Shogo Kawada (the bad boy aura just about did it for me), Yukie Utsumi, and Hirono Shimizu. And maybe cute, clueless Yuichiro Takiguchi. But really, I'm just spouting names here. You need to read the novel or manga to have an idea who these people are. The movie just glazed over Yuichiro, but gave Yukie and Hirono just enough screen time for you to remember them. And well, Shogo is on a different level. You'll just have to see for yourselves.

A word of caution though. The movie is all about gore, so expect ketchup-based blood spurting everywhere. The manga is R-18, so be prepared to see naked Mitsuko every few chapters. The novel? You will just have to use your imagination on that one.

* Hints of ShuyaxYukie in the novel:

1. ...at the time [Shuya]'d said to Yoshitoki, "Then there's Utsumi, who's on the volleyball team. She's pretty cool. That's my type. You know, real outgoing."

2. He thought, how impressive, Representative. You'll be a wonderful wife someday, no, a wonderful woman. No, you might in fact be a wonderful woman now. I've actually thought that for a while.

3. Did that mean that...she also thought there was something special about them ever since that time at the elementary school gym?

4. She wasn't breathing anymore. "Ahh," Shuya cried. He reached out his uninjured right hand to her peaceful face. He felt tears welling up for the first time ever since the game began. Was it because they'd just talked minutes ago? Or was it because of what she'd said: "I just wouldn't know what to do if you died...Do you understand what I'm saying? Do you?"