Of Oreos and Happy Endings

Music: Just Watch the Fireworks by Jimmy Eat World

"You're all right, you're all right, you're all right."

—"Simon," Lifehouse (No Name Face)

...

Three years after I vowed never to eat an Oreo cookie again (for reasons that only a few close friends know of), I finally found the resolve (or is it courage?) to buy a pack of my-at-one-time-favorite snack.

2012 is the year of new beginnings for me, I guess.

Well, I only bought the chocolate sandwich cookie flavor. I think it will take a couple more months before I can actually try the vanilla-flavored version again. Because although this year is about new beginnings and all that jazz, I never did like forcing myself in situations I’m not comfortable with.

(Three hours after eating them, my stomach started to ache. Haha, very funny, I say to no one.)

...

Sometimes I think God has such a quirky sense of humor He enjoys making me wait and wait and wait until the last minute before He actually answers my prayers. Because He knows patience is a virtue I didn’t learn in school, and that surprises rarely appeal to me (unless they’re really, really good news), and maybe, just maybe, He enjoys making me wait, just so He could see how much I can take before I just, well, explode from frustration.

So every time he does answer, I always feel like saying, "Yeah, very funny, Lord, and yet, I’m happy (and relieved, perhaps? and just a little bit excited, maybe?) that You finally answered."

...

I don’t assume. Wishful thinking, yes. Daydreams with convenient plot holes, fire away. But not assume. Never assume. Because assumptions lead to disappointments. And I’ve had enough disappointments to last me a lifetime, thank you very much.

...

I opened my Formspring account after ignoring it for a long, long time. Heck, I completely forgot I even have one until the site sent me a notice via e-mail. As I was scrolling down the questions posted for me since the last time I’ve logged in (last year, apparently), I spotted a not-so-cryptic post smacked in the middle of “What’s your passion?” and “Who is the sexiest man alive?” (My answer’s Cillian Murphy, by the way, to both questions, maybe.):

“Still angry with me?”

(Mind not the typo.)

I realized I never answered the question before. Maybe because I didn’t know the answer one year ago. And then, as I reflected on it, I realized that, no, I’m not angry with her anymore, or him, for that matter. I haven’t been for a long time. Maybe even during the time when the question was posted.

Some people deserve to be forgiven. I don’t know if she, or he, does, but then again, who am I to decide who deserves forgiveness or not? God forgave my sins, so what right do I have not to forgive others? Besides, I think I owe it to myself to forgive them anyway. And I guess I must have, a long, long time ago, because I couldn’t feel even the slightest hint of repulsion as I stared at her profile photo.

Well, I guess this year is about endings and new beginnings, after all.

(No. I am no longer angry with you.)

...

I don’t believe in happy endings. For me, endings are always painful. Death, breakup, separation—what’s so happy with that?

I don't expect a happy ending with anyone.

I do believe in a life lived happily, though. Because instead of focusing on the end, I’d rather take one day at a time, really. And make the most out of it. And love the people around me. No matter how much I dislike them.

I pray for a life lived happily with someone, then. For as long as I, we, could.

(Uhm, yes, there's a difference.)

...

I swear, I’m going to finish writing my zombie fairy tale. Just because I don’t believe in happy endings, doesn’t mean I can’t write about one, right?

Besides, zombies are cool.

...

To quote Maurice Sendak:

I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready.

The Lonely Life (a.k.a. Many people are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.)

Music: My mother and kuya eating in the dining room

I just want to share portions of my devotion for tonight, since I think a lot of people suffer from depression or plain loneliness. Dave Branon says:

Using God's Word, discover how the following three actions can help to ease your loneliness:

1. Learn contentment. Read Philippians 4:10-13*, then ask God to help you to depend on Him each day and to learn to be content in any situation.

2. Do good for someone. Read Hebrews 13:1-3**, then look for someone in need of help. You'll get rid of loneliness for both of you.

3. Worship with God's people. Hebrews 10:21-25*** emphasize the value of worshiping with other believers. Find someone with whom you can praise God.

If you're feeling lonely, lean on Jesus for contentment. Help someone else. And worship God with other believers. These actions will redirect your thinking and remind you that when you know God you're never alone.

I may not be undergoing depression right now, but like most people, I've been there, done that. And I have had bouts of loneliness every now and then (recently, to be honest), but I've learned to be content (as much as I could), and to focus on what I have rather than what I don't. It's not as easy as it sounds, but with constant communication with the Lord (and crazy but wonderful friends), I think I'm doing pretty well.

I also remember a conversation I had with my high school best friend years back. I was telling her about a problem I had, but not in a way that showed that I was bothered with it or something. Then she said something that made me pause and think for a bit. She said that I always listen to other people's problems and try to fix things for them, that I don't have any time left to deal with mine. After some thought, I told her that by doing so, I can focus on others' problems and forget my own. Though it may not be the healthiest of practices, I think I understand how it can connect to step #2. By helping other people, you have less time to worry about your own loneliness. And the sense of fulfillment when you see someone's day brighten up because of you is wonderful as well.

And of course, worshiping God, whether alone or in a group, is a sure-fire way to ease the loneliness that may be slowly eating you. Because, really, what better way to feel joy than talk to the greatest listener of all?

Footnotes:

* 10 I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

** 1 Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters. 2 Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it. 3 Continue to remember those in prison as if you were together with them in prison, and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering.

*** 21 and since we have a great priest over the house of God, 22 let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. 23 Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. 24 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, 25 not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

christmas eve (a not-really-a-christmas poem)

Music: Natutulog Ba Ang Diyos by Gary Valenciano

While browsing over my old notebook, I found a poem I've written at the back of a baptismal programme two years ago. It was probably one of the last poems I've ever written, and now that I've reread it, I realize that I kind of like what I wrote, despite the fact that it's pretty...uh...pathetic.

It was originally untitled, but I thought of a more or less appropriate title for it now. Revised it a bit, but the general idea is the same.

christmas eve

you put down the phone and mentally pat yourself on the back

for not breaking down

and you close your eyes tight and try not to cry

(still you see his face, oh so vividly)

in your mind you see him boarding that wretched silver bird that will

take him away from you

forever (forever is such a long time)

to a place with no rain nor snow

and the only storms are those made of sand

and you see him plain as day

looking down the black ocean filled with regrets and bitterness

of spending so much time with each other

(still, it is never enough)

and minute after minute he flies farther away

and second after second he slowly forgets your voice that

calmed him many a sleepless nights

and he sees the horizon

and dreams of men and women

in long, flowing robes

and you let the first tear fall

the minute he steps on foreign soil

(still, you know he is not coming back)

barkada emo moments part iii - gel

Music: Runaway by The Corrs

As I've mentioned in my previous post, Gel is the Ted in our group, according to my friends. Now I've only seen around five random episodes of HIMYM on cable TV, so I can't really vouch for the accuracy of this information. What I can say about Gel is that he is optimistic when others are not, he is calm when others are panicking, and he seldom shows any other emotion, aside from happiness, amusement, or boredom. He is a romantic (bordering to sickeningly cheesy), and lucky is the woman he falls in love with. And in a world where guys our age usually take advantage of members of the opposite sex, Gel remains a gentleman, to the point where he won't hold your hand without asking for permission first.

In some ways he is the perfect boyfriend, except that he's so perfect, it tends to be boring after a while. (Sorry Gel, you know we love you :p)

In our barkada emo session, it was when he replied to my email that things began to take a serious turn (for the worse or for the better, I cannot really tell). It was supposed to be light, funny, insane--useless banter between friends. But no. He just had to get down to business, which prompted Gia to get all serious too.

And viola, the war has begun.

Sorry.

I believe in happy endings. :)

I don't see the point of struggling with living if at the end, I won't be able to say I'm happy. Hmm... Di lang isang moment sa buhay natin ang happy ending (rough trans: Our life doesn't have only one moment for its happy ending). It's a collection of all of our experiences. If marriage is already a happy ending, then wag na lang ako magpakasal (trans: I'd rather not marry). Kasi what comes after that? I like to think that marriage is just one path to having a happy ending.

Being in a relationship might lead you to your happy ending, and then it might not. Not being in a relationship might also lead you to your happy ending, and then again it might not. So what if it doesn't? Then don't let things end for you there. Stand up. And try again. :D

Nabasted na ako so many times (trans: I've been rejected so many times), I don't even want to count. Had my heart broken in so many ways by people I've been in a relationship with. But it doesn't stop me from trying to find my happy ending. So keep on struggling. Life is hard. Life is unfair. If life had a face, I would punch it. I would punch life in the face and say screw you! :P

We make our own happy endings.

I have an answer to this, and Gia has one too. I shall post them in different entries in the near future. In the meantime, I'll let you munchkins reflect on what he just said, and decide whether you agree with him or not.

(And no Gel, I am not earning anything from this blog so I CAN'T pay you royalties!)

barkada emo moments part ii - ivan

Music: Oceans Away by The Fray

Part 2 of our barkada's emo sessions. The next reply came from Ivan, the only guy (more like the only one) in our group in a "real" relationship. I honestly did not know what to expect from him. I mean, I kind of expected Gia to be blunt and be the no-nonsense one, and Gel to be pretty much idealistic (he's like Ted from How I Met Your Mother, or so my friends say), but Ivan can sway either way, since he's a "guy" but "in a relationship."

I actually liked the storytelling part. I mean, I knew about the college girls, but it was interesting to find out about his online girlfriend (mostly because I could relate a bit). So here's Ivan's story, in verbatim again, with just a few corrections on the typos and punctuation marks, because I'm OC that way:

Nabusted ako so many times bago ako natuto manligaw. (trans: I've been rejected so many times before I learned how to properly court a girl.)

In High School, I averaged courting 2 girls per year...
I graduated single - never been kissed - :)
(nagka gf naman ako pero sa chat lang) trans: I had a girlfriend, but only via chat.
OY! ToTOO un ah... we truly loved each other back then... di nga lang kame nagkita :) (trans: It's true! We truly loved each other back then... we just haven't met face-to-face.)

During Ateneo College, may niligawan ako sa Miriam... (trans: During Ateneo college, I courted someone from Miriam)
M.U. na kame nun (trans: We became M.U. [Mutual Understanding or Mag-Un?])
pero disaster din un... (trans: But it ended in disaster)
naikwento ko ata sa inyo un e... (trans: I think I've told you about this already)

During La Salle College...
natuto nako :) (trans: I learned)
niligawan ko ung pinaka maganda nung school (trans: I courted the prettiest girl in school)
nakuha ko cya in 3 weeks (trans: I got her in 3 weeks' time)
(at di nya ako type nung una) trans: And she didn't even like to at first.

Ang moral ay... (trans: Moral of the story is)
Magbasa ka ng Tagalog Romance at Sexy Komiks... (trains: Read Tagalog Romance and Sexy Comics)
Bwahahahaha

Stand up Joyce and move on
kung kinakailangan... (trans: If needed)
Aakayin ka namin patayo - That's What are Friends are for - (theme song playing) (trans: We'll help you stand up)

Madaming lalaki dyan... wag ka lang mapili (trans: There are a lot of guys out there...don't be choosy)
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

A couple of points I want to raise:

1. I graduated college without ever being kissed. Damn proud of it too. (Or maybe I'm just a prude.)

2. I did not have an online boyfriend (at least not officially), but I almost fell in love with a guy literally half a globe away. It's a long story, one that I enjoy talking about (usually), because it gives off pleasant memories I don't want to forget. And yes, we are still friends, this guy and I.

3. Dear Ivan's current girlfriend: I have nothing to do with what your boyfriend wrote. Please do not gouge my eyes out when we finally get the chance to meet face-to-face.

4. Ivan, I will NOT read Tagalog romance and sexy comics...are you friggin' insane?!

5. And as I've responded in the email, I can't help but be choosy when it comes to guys...I was brought up that way!

Gel's response is next. That's when it starts to get serious. I'm actually pretty scared right now.

barkada emo moments part i - gia

Music: Where Are You Going by Dave Matthews Band

It all started with an e-mail I sent my friends this morning. I guess, in hindsight, this insanity is all my fault, so it's up to me to chronicle them, in the hopes that my brain cells will finally shut up and actually let me do some real work.

In defense of myself, I've been feeling pretty low yesterday (as may or may not be evident in my last two posts), and this sentimental bone in my body only functions once or twice in a good year anyway.

So. What started out as a cheesy, out-of-character message from me turned into a mini-debate, two versus two, boys versus girls, with the boys taking the side of pro-happy endings, and the girls taking the opposite. Which is pretty, uh, ironic, if you think about it, except that in our little circle of friends, the boys are the ones who are idealistic, optimistic, and, heaven forbid, romantic. Us girls are usually the jaded, oblivious, or just plain clueless ones. But that's a story for another day.

This is what I sent them:

Emo mode :'(

My (ex)crush is living a cliche fairy tale, and I'm still afraid to open my door to other people.

Damn you ex(boyfriend) for ruining my concept of a happy ending.

:'(

To be fair to my ex(boyfriend), I don't really blame him (not anymore). And I'm happy for my (ex)crush and his fairy tale with his girlfriend. It's just that the emo monster attacked all of a sudden, and there was little I could do to stop it from waging an all-out war with what is left of my brain.

Gia was the first one to respond. I am going to copy/paste her response verbatim (well, maybe not, since I edit things I should not edit in the first place...it's my nature) in this post. And yes, her mini-musing is copyrighted, and may not be reproduced in any form without the written permission of the copyright owner (Hah! You think I won't do it, Gi?!):

joshene.

happy endings are BS.

the fact that you don't believe in it is a blessing not a curse. believing in happy endings is the curse. because that unlucky person would dream of having a perfect life after marriage (we all know...that is impossible) ... and realize too late that relationships aren't like that at all. (by that time.. that person will be caught in a messy relationship)

fairy tales end in weddings because thats how far happy endings will last.

don't fret.

i always believe that everyone and everything has its own time and cycle.

when you are ready to love again, you will feel it. (hopefully asap)

that guy was stupid... and is such a weakling.. he doesn't deserve the distinction of being the reason you stopped believing in having a future with someone special.

maawa ka sakin. i plan to marry after you... pag di ka mag-asawa, lagot magiging matandang dalaga ako. (trans: have pity on me. i plan to marry after you... if you don't get married, i'll end up as an old maid.)

gia

I'll share the responses of my other friends later. I think my brain cells finally decided to cooperate. About mighty time they did so too.

Ciao for now!

a missing piece's story

Music: Pilgrim's Theme by Bukas Palad

Two posts in one day. I'm not even bored. Just...sad, I guess.

I need to reread this anyway, just to remind myself that I don't have to fit with anyone to be able to roll, because I can always roll by myself.

(I seriously want my own copy of the book. Like, seriously.)

I think readers will appreciate the story more if they've read The Missing Piece first. But still, this is beautiful in its own.

The Missing Piece Meets to Big O

By Shel Silverstein

The missing piece sat alone...

waiting for someone

to come along

and take it somewhere.

Some fit...

but could not roll.

Others could roll

but did not fit.

One didn't know a thing about fitting.

And another didn't know a thing about anything.

One was too delicate.

Pop!

One put it on a pedestal...

and left it there.

Some had too many pieces missing.

Some had too many pieces, period.

It learned to hide from the hungry ones.

More came.

Some looked too closely.

Others rolled right by without noticing.

Hi?

It tried to make itself

more attractive...

it didn't help.

It tried being flashy...

but that just frightened away

the shy ones.

At last, one came along

that fit just right.

(roll...)

But all of a sudden...

the missing piece began to grow!

And grow!

"I didn't know

you were going

to grow."

"I didn't know either,"

said the missing piece.

"I'm lookin' for

my missin' piece,

one that won't

increase..."

Ciao...

Oh...

And then one day...

one came along who looked different.

"What do you want of me?"

asked the missing piece.

"Nothing."

"What do you need from me?"

"Nothing."

"Who are you?"

asked the missing piece.

"I'm the Big O,"

said the Big O.

"I think you are the one

I have been waiting for,"

said the missing piece.

"Maybe I am your missing piece."

"But I am not missing a piece,"

said the Big O.

"There is no place you would fit."

"That is too bad," said the missing piece.

"I was hoping that perhaps

I could roll with you..."

"You cannot roll with me,"

said the Big O,

"but perhaps you can roll by yourself."

"By myself?

A missing piece cannot

roll by itself."

"Have you even tried?"

asked the Big O.

"But I have sharp corners,"

said the missing piece.

"I am not shaped for rolling."

"Corners wear off,"

said the Big O,

"and shapes change.

Anyhow, I must say goodbye.

Perhaps we will meet again..."

And away it rolled.

The missing piece was alone again.

For a long time

it just sat there.

Then...

slowly...

it lifted itself up on one end...

Plop!

Then lift...pull...flop...

and flopped over.

It began to move forward...

And soon its edges began to wear off...

Liftpullflopliftpullflop...

And its shape began to change...

And then it was bumping instead of flopping...

And then it was bouncing instead of bumping...

And then it was rolling instead of bouncing...

And it didn't know where

and it didn't care.

It was rolling!

(roll...)

Story with illustrations here.

---

Sometimes I feel like the missing piece--waiting for someone to come along, someone who will "complete me." (Hello Jerry Maguire, I don't want to take lessons from you.) Except that I don't think I want anyone to "complete" me; I want to be complete by myself. I think I'll be able to do better in a relationship that way. And I'm not talking about just romantic relationships either.

(I've been broken for far too long.)

I've been rolling by myself, rough edges and all, for quite a while now; it's just that sometimes, I pause to rest, only to realize that the rough edges are growing back, the already broken parts breaking up some more. Then I push myself to move again, liftrollflopliftrollflop, and I'm not sure anymore if I'm flopping or bumping or bouncing or rolling.

It is only by God's grace that I can continue flopping/bumping/bouncing/rolling, despite everything. And it is only by His grace that I will eventually be complete--complete enough to roll by myself...beside someone who is complete by himself too.