Of Oreos and Happy Endings

Music: Just Watch the Fireworks by Jimmy Eat World

"You're all right, you're all right, you're all right."

—"Simon," Lifehouse (No Name Face)

...

Three years after I vowed never to eat an Oreo cookie again (for reasons that only a few close friends know of), I finally found the resolve (or is it courage?) to buy a pack of my-at-one-time-favorite snack.

2012 is the year of new beginnings for me, I guess.

Well, I only bought the chocolate sandwich cookie flavor. I think it will take a couple more months before I can actually try the vanilla-flavored version again. Because although this year is about new beginnings and all that jazz, I never did like forcing myself in situations I’m not comfortable with.

(Three hours after eating them, my stomach started to ache. Haha, very funny, I say to no one.)

...

Sometimes I think God has such a quirky sense of humor He enjoys making me wait and wait and wait until the last minute before He actually answers my prayers. Because He knows patience is a virtue I didn’t learn in school, and that surprises rarely appeal to me (unless they’re really, really good news), and maybe, just maybe, He enjoys making me wait, just so He could see how much I can take before I just, well, explode from frustration.

So every time he does answer, I always feel like saying, "Yeah, very funny, Lord, and yet, I’m happy (and relieved, perhaps? and just a little bit excited, maybe?) that You finally answered."

...

I don’t assume. Wishful thinking, yes. Daydreams with convenient plot holes, fire away. But not assume. Never assume. Because assumptions lead to disappointments. And I’ve had enough disappointments to last me a lifetime, thank you very much.

...

I opened my Formspring account after ignoring it for a long, long time. Heck, I completely forgot I even have one until the site sent me a notice via e-mail. As I was scrolling down the questions posted for me since the last time I’ve logged in (last year, apparently), I spotted a not-so-cryptic post smacked in the middle of “What’s your passion?” and “Who is the sexiest man alive?” (My answer’s Cillian Murphy, by the way, to both questions, maybe.):

“Still angry with me?”

(Mind not the typo.)

I realized I never answered the question before. Maybe because I didn’t know the answer one year ago. And then, as I reflected on it, I realized that, no, I’m not angry with her anymore, or him, for that matter. I haven’t been for a long time. Maybe even during the time when the question was posted.

Some people deserve to be forgiven. I don’t know if she, or he, does, but then again, who am I to decide who deserves forgiveness or not? God forgave my sins, so what right do I have not to forgive others? Besides, I think I owe it to myself to forgive them anyway. And I guess I must have, a long, long time ago, because I couldn’t feel even the slightest hint of repulsion as I stared at her profile photo.

Well, I guess this year is about endings and new beginnings, after all.

(No. I am no longer angry with you.)

...

I don’t believe in happy endings. For me, endings are always painful. Death, breakup, separation—what’s so happy with that?

I don't expect a happy ending with anyone.

I do believe in a life lived happily, though. Because instead of focusing on the end, I’d rather take one day at a time, really. And make the most out of it. And love the people around me. No matter how much I dislike them.

I pray for a life lived happily with someone, then. For as long as I, we, could.

(Uhm, yes, there's a difference.)

...

I swear, I’m going to finish writing my zombie fairy tale. Just because I don’t believe in happy endings, doesn’t mean I can’t write about one, right?

Besides, zombies are cool.

...

To quote Maurice Sendak:

I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready.

Looking Back: The Original Thursday Group

Music: Futures by Jimmy Eat World

More than a year after I made this little Christmas gift for the Thursday Group, I come to realize how we have changed over the months, and how fitting these songs are for each of us, even up to now.

1 - Simple Life (Sherwood)

For everyone in my little group (because, after all, I think they are the ones I’ve been searching for all my life...well, at least part of what I've been searching for)

~ I can't believe I said that. Insert cheesy emoticon here, please.

2 - Not Sure Yet (Andy Lange)

For Gel (because he's never given up on the idea of a happy ending)

~ And with the way things are going now, I have a good feeling he'll get just what he needs, and that no matter what happens, he will be fine. It will all be fine.

3 - Chase This Light (Jimmy Eat World)

For Ice (because, after all the chasing and falling and hurting, she's finally getting the happily ever after she deserves)

~ When I chose this song for Ice, I didn't know that it was supposed to be a "proposal/marriage" song. I'm glad it is, and that she is now happily chasing the light with her hubby Chris, confetti rainfall and all.

4 - Brand New Day (Joshua Radin)

For Ivan (because he finally found Miss Right, after a series of Misses Wrong)

~ What more can I say? :)

5 - Hammers and Strings – A Lullaby (Jack’s Mannequin)

For Ayen (because sometimes, all she really needs is someone to sing to her in her sleep)

~ And I'm still praying for that someone to hurry up and show himself, damn it, because Ayen is still waiting. Or, if she's not, her friends sure as heck are.

6 - How To Save a Life (The Fray)

For Gia (because sometimes, despite all efforts, friendships end, but it doesn’t mean that they end forever)

~ Well, she's an attorney now, so I guess she'll save lives in a different way? (I seriously cannot remember the context of this song anymore, doh.)

7 - Goodnight and Go (Imogen Heap)

For Lorraine (because of reasons that will not be mentioned here, since, you know, I fear for my life)

~ I still fear for my life, by the way :))

8 - Giving It Away (MAE)

For myself (because I need to learn to start trusting again)

~ I think I'm ready :)

And wouldn't you know it, our little group just got all the bigger. So I guess this means I need to collect more songs for next Christmas :)

Cheers to friendship! XD

Untitled #2 (a.k.a. True love is not found in fairy tales.)

Music: Keep It Quiet by Ra Ra Riot

I'm not really a lyricist, and I can't play any instrument either, even if my life depended on it. Well, okay, I can play a few songs in the piano, and maybe one or two with a guitar, but that's about it. I'm not a poet either; I'm more of a fiction rather that poetry person.

So I'm not really sure what to call this. Maybe, one day, I'll ask (force/blackmail) someone to add the melody for this little piece. Maybe.

Currently untitled, again.

There was once a girl

who knew too little and loved too much

and she found herself

disconcerted.

So she gave too little and expected too much

and she found herself

disappointed.

This girl grew cynical and jaded

and refused to believe that she could be

deserving of the happy ending

Disney princesses always get

and she found herself

disillusioned.

Who will tell her that true love is not found in fairy tales?

That knights often come in rusty armor

And she has to fight dragons by herself?

Who will show her that endings are not always happy

And hearts break quicker than they can heal?

Who will tell her that true love is not in fairy tales?

So she keeps to herself

and braves the world

Alone.

And she tries to prove to everyone

that love is for simple-minded fools

and still,

a part of her wishes for her prince to come . . .

but no one does

and she finds herself

disenchanted.

Who will tell her that life is not made up of happy endings?

That sometimes, the prince charming runs off with

the wicked witch of the west?

Who will save her from the tower she locked herself in?

Who will tell her that life seldom offers happy endings?

Hold your head high, little girl

and don't give up hope

happy endings may not exist

but happiness does

open your heart to endless possibilities

and brace yourself

you will be hurt, you will cry

but it will be all worth it

in the end.

True love is not found in fairy tales

Because fairy tales are just that--tales

But the best stories are often filled with the most painful things

So hold your head up, little girl

And brace yourself

Life is not made of happy endings

but that does not mean

love is not

real.

Untitled #1 (a.k.a. This story does not have a fairy tale happy ending.)

Music: Me singing "Kill the Messenger" by Jack's Mannequin, with the electric fan whirring noisily in the background

A snippet of a short story in the making, just to get the ball rolling, get things (re)started, so to speak. Unbeta-ed, of course, so grammatical errors, subject-verb agreement errors, and typos may/might abound. Currently untitled too.

This story does not have a fairy tale happy ending.

Unlike Cinderella, there is no fairy godmother to grant wishes and no glass slippers to try on. Snow White’s seven dwarfs are not present to battle the evil witch, and no woodcutter to save Little Red Riding Hood from the hungry wolf. The beast continues to be a beast, and no Belle will ever fall in love and turn him back into the prince he once was.

There is only the lost young woman walking in the rain, bare feet caked with mud, white dress soaked with raindrops. She wanders around a deserted highway, summoned by an invisible force unknown yet familiar. She doesn’t remember her name, doesn’t know where she came from. She does not remember anything. She woke up and found herself in a shallow grave two months ago, but panic did not overcome her. She merely dug her way out and started searching for the source of that silent voice that beckons her.

And so she finds herself walking aimlessly in the streets, the pitter-patter of rain her only melody. How she survived those cold nights alone even she cannot tell. Many a times she felt danger lurking her way, and always she would escape before evil stops her in her tracks.

She feels that she is near her destination, that sooner or later she will meet the owner of this voice, the sole reason why she rose from the grave, why she, a lady Lazarus, continues to walk this earth.

barkada emo moments part v - gia v2.0

Music: Prince of Tennis opening song

I've neglected my blog for a couple of weeks, but then again, real life happened.

Anyway, here's the next part of my barkada emo sessions. This is Gia's reply to Gel's post.

The war continues!

@gel... i guess you are tackling it in a different context. since the "happy ending" i dont believe in is the "fairy tale happy ending" because joshene introduced the term happy ending after the fairy tale thingy of her ex-crush. it's a fairy tale...kwentong kutsero, a magnified and sanitized version of the truth (that you cannot experience happiness in real life without going through trials and pains).

you and your partner might not be the ones creating the trials, but it's part of life and relationships...you could never say you fully trust and believe in your relationship until it is challenged...you could easily say that, when it is not...but what happens when it is???

marriage is not a path to happiness...it is commitment, trust, respect and love...marriage is simply a tool to show the commitment, trust, respect and love.

marriage can be a path to hell. if based on all the wrong reasons. or even if based on the right reasons, but the couple left it in the minds and failed to exercise the reasons of the marriage.

the problem with some airheads is they that think, pag kasal na OK na ang lahat, but it is not...that's why some marriages fall apart. because at one point or another...naging sobrang kampante na sa marriage, akala nila dahil natali na nila...tali na sa kanila...

kahit kasal ka na

...you still have to nurture the relationship...you still have to work hard to keep it strong.

sabi nga ng mga kaibigan ko na may-asawa: you have to compromise a lot...you have to be strong...and in a relationship you have to continually remember "it doesn't mean that when a person doesn't love you the way you want to be loved...they don't love you."

"It doesn't mean that when a person doesn't love you the way you want to be loved...they don't love you."

This is my favorite part of the post. And not because I'm cheesy or mushy or any of that crap. I just think it makes sense. You can't force people to love you. You just have to let them do it in their own way, at their own pace. Whether it be romantic or brotherly love, it's really not your call. You just need to learn to accept whatever that person is capable of giving.

Believe me, you'll be better off that way.

Links to previous posts for reference:

barkada emo moments part iv - joyce

barkada emo moments part iii - gel

barkada emo moments part ii - ivan

barkada emo moments part i - gia

barkada emo moments part iv - joyce

Music: Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap

And we're back to our regular scheduled programming.

Three down, two to go. Plus a three-liner from Ayen. My turn now. I don't think I need much explanation for this, since they came from me anyway.

Gia's reply to Gel's e-mail will be the finale. Wait, scratch that. Ayen's piece will cap off this barkada emo session.

In the meantime, here we go.

Ako, I don't believe in happy endings, kasi endings are always sad. I know the saying "every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end," but that just makes it worse. I mean, granted, beginnings can be something to look forward to. Beginnings are scary, but can be worth it. But endings...they just make me sad. There's nothing happy about separation, whether by death, or a third party, or physical migration, or just the fading of love/intimacy/friendship.

I'd rather live the story than anticipate the end. I'd rather be happy while living my story, than wait for the inevitable "happy" ending that will never come.

I used to believe in happy endings, when I was still "idealistic," if that's even the correct word for it. But yes, I'm jaded, calloused, broken now. I have so many ragged edges and I don't know how in the world I'll be able to smooth them out again. But I think it's better this way--that I'm realistic, logical, level-headed.

Sorry rin, pero it's a defense mechanism. It's human nature to want to preserve yourself. I'm being human. And don't tell me I'm being unfair. I've given so much before, and it almost destroyed me.

I'm not saying I don't want to love anymore. Hell, I miss being in a relationship. I just want to make sure I do things correctly this time. I get sad, sometimes I get impatient, I get restless. But I'm not giving up, not yet. I may not believe in happy endings, but I sure as hell believe in stories lived happily.

barkada emo moments part iii - gel

Music: Runaway by The Corrs

As I've mentioned in my previous post, Gel is the Ted in our group, according to my friends. Now I've only seen around five random episodes of HIMYM on cable TV, so I can't really vouch for the accuracy of this information. What I can say about Gel is that he is optimistic when others are not, he is calm when others are panicking, and he seldom shows any other emotion, aside from happiness, amusement, or boredom. He is a romantic (bordering to sickeningly cheesy), and lucky is the woman he falls in love with. And in a world where guys our age usually take advantage of members of the opposite sex, Gel remains a gentleman, to the point where he won't hold your hand without asking for permission first.

In some ways he is the perfect boyfriend, except that he's so perfect, it tends to be boring after a while. (Sorry Gel, you know we love you :p)

In our barkada emo session, it was when he replied to my email that things began to take a serious turn (for the worse or for the better, I cannot really tell). It was supposed to be light, funny, insane--useless banter between friends. But no. He just had to get down to business, which prompted Gia to get all serious too.

And viola, the war has begun.

Sorry.

I believe in happy endings. :)

I don't see the point of struggling with living if at the end, I won't be able to say I'm happy. Hmm... Di lang isang moment sa buhay natin ang happy ending (rough trans: Our life doesn't have only one moment for its happy ending). It's a collection of all of our experiences. If marriage is already a happy ending, then wag na lang ako magpakasal (trans: I'd rather not marry). Kasi what comes after that? I like to think that marriage is just one path to having a happy ending.

Being in a relationship might lead you to your happy ending, and then it might not. Not being in a relationship might also lead you to your happy ending, and then again it might not. So what if it doesn't? Then don't let things end for you there. Stand up. And try again. :D

Nabasted na ako so many times (trans: I've been rejected so many times), I don't even want to count. Had my heart broken in so many ways by people I've been in a relationship with. But it doesn't stop me from trying to find my happy ending. So keep on struggling. Life is hard. Life is unfair. If life had a face, I would punch it. I would punch life in the face and say screw you! :P

We make our own happy endings.

I have an answer to this, and Gia has one too. I shall post them in different entries in the near future. In the meantime, I'll let you munchkins reflect on what he just said, and decide whether you agree with him or not.

(And no Gel, I am not earning anything from this blog so I CAN'T pay you royalties!)

barkada emo moments part i - gia

Music: Where Are You Going by Dave Matthews Band

It all started with an e-mail I sent my friends this morning. I guess, in hindsight, this insanity is all my fault, so it's up to me to chronicle them, in the hopes that my brain cells will finally shut up and actually let me do some real work.

In defense of myself, I've been feeling pretty low yesterday (as may or may not be evident in my last two posts), and this sentimental bone in my body only functions once or twice in a good year anyway.

So. What started out as a cheesy, out-of-character message from me turned into a mini-debate, two versus two, boys versus girls, with the boys taking the side of pro-happy endings, and the girls taking the opposite. Which is pretty, uh, ironic, if you think about it, except that in our little circle of friends, the boys are the ones who are idealistic, optimistic, and, heaven forbid, romantic. Us girls are usually the jaded, oblivious, or just plain clueless ones. But that's a story for another day.

This is what I sent them:

Emo mode :'(

My (ex)crush is living a cliche fairy tale, and I'm still afraid to open my door to other people.

Damn you ex(boyfriend) for ruining my concept of a happy ending.

:'(

To be fair to my ex(boyfriend), I don't really blame him (not anymore). And I'm happy for my (ex)crush and his fairy tale with his girlfriend. It's just that the emo monster attacked all of a sudden, and there was little I could do to stop it from waging an all-out war with what is left of my brain.

Gia was the first one to respond. I am going to copy/paste her response verbatim (well, maybe not, since I edit things I should not edit in the first place...it's my nature) in this post. And yes, her mini-musing is copyrighted, and may not be reproduced in any form without the written permission of the copyright owner (Hah! You think I won't do it, Gi?!):

joshene.

happy endings are BS.

the fact that you don't believe in it is a blessing not a curse. believing in happy endings is the curse. because that unlucky person would dream of having a perfect life after marriage (we all know...that is impossible) ... and realize too late that relationships aren't like that at all. (by that time.. that person will be caught in a messy relationship)

fairy tales end in weddings because thats how far happy endings will last.

don't fret.

i always believe that everyone and everything has its own time and cycle.

when you are ready to love again, you will feel it. (hopefully asap)

that guy was stupid... and is such a weakling.. he doesn't deserve the distinction of being the reason you stopped believing in having a future with someone special.

maawa ka sakin. i plan to marry after you... pag di ka mag-asawa, lagot magiging matandang dalaga ako. (trans: have pity on me. i plan to marry after you... if you don't get married, i'll end up as an old maid.)

gia

I'll share the responses of my other friends later. I think my brain cells finally decided to cooperate. About mighty time they did so too.

Ciao for now!